**Sigh**

Yesterday, Thom had a stroke. Thom is the youngest of the five of us. He's 2 years younger than I am. He's not supposed to be this sick first! From what I've been told, his only deficit is his speech. I can't imagine a worse thing to happen to a Myers! We live to talk! He will be in intensive care for a few days, then do the rehab thing like Pop did.
Today is the day that Catie was to go for her "big" ultrasound. I can't even begin to fathom the emptiness she feels. The closest I can get is the overwhelming sadness I felt when Elliott's learning disabilities were identified.
When Elliott was 6 years old, we knew he was having difficulty at school. We had a whole range of "assessments" done: psychological, motor skills, IQ, educational. The psychologist who explained the tests results to us started out by saying "I'm sorry, but there is nothing we can do to cure your child". Did I hear that his IQ was in the superior range? Did I hear the "we can remediate his deficits" part? Did I hear the part about what a bright kid he is? NO! I heard "there is nothing we can do...". This happened on the day that Susan Smith admitted that she drowned her kids in the lake near her home.
Smith had two beautiful toddler boys. Her boyfriend didn't want kids (or, we later learned, her). Instead of giving custody to her ex-husband, she strapped the boys into their car seats and drove the car into a lake. Then, she made up a story about a black man carjacking her and taking the boys. Police and volunteers searched for 10 days before she admitted what she had done. We got home from the psychologist's office as the local news stations showed live coverage of the car being pulled from the lake. I was appalled! How could she do this to her babies? She had two perfect children and she got rid of them like you would last week's trash! My baby could not be "cured". My baby was, in my mind, "damaged". How could God do this to my little boy?
Obviously, my thought process was neither rational nor logical. There are children with way worse problems than ADHD, Sensory Inetegrative Disorder, Dyslexia, and Dysgraphia. At the time, my selfish mind was only focused on my child, and what that horrible woman had done to her children. I felt a despair that was frightening. It was the first time I thought about suicide. I felt like God was so far away from me that I would never, ever be able to reach Him. Worse yet was the feeling that if I reached out my hand, He would not be able to reach me. It's like falling into a black hole with marble lined walls. There is nothing to grab, no way to stop the fall.
I fear for Catie. I don't want her to go to the place where I was at that time. I don't want her to feel that depth of despair. God is real, and He is where we are. We may not feel His loving arms wrapped around us as we fall. He may allow us to fall for a time, but He will protect us from a rough landing. God blessed me with a husband who saw what was happening to me and insisted that I get help. He supported me through all of it. He was the hand that God sent to stop my fall. Catie has been similarly blessed with Ben.
Smith got a lifetime in prison for murdering her boys, Elliott has grown into an amazing young man, Catie's time of blessing will come. God is good. And He is faithful.