A few words abut Thom

Thom's wake was a week ago today. There were so many people who came to console Jenny. Her church is amazing. They stayed at the hospital around the clock while Thom was sick, made sure that Donna and John were cared for, answered phones, and called friends and family with updates on his condition. They are what a church "family" should be.
At the funeral, the minister said that Thom hated "churchism". He's right, snug, pious, phony people grated on Thom's nerves! In honor of that, the minister removed his tie! As he spoke, pictures of Thom as a baby, a high school senior (wide lapels, open shirt, aviator glasses--way cool!), and at his wedding appeared on the screen behind him. Then, another picture appeared:
t
The cat, who looks like he's having a blast, is Thom! Thom was committed to his family and to God. He enjoyed every minute of his life. He saw life as an adventure to be embraced.
Since he was a Marine, Thom received full military honors. When "Taps" was played, Pop saluted Thom's coffin, then broke down. I was heartbroken for him. He was embarrassed, of course. Soldiers don't show emotion. Ma held it together as she always does. I put two daisies on his coffin; one for me and one for Pop.
Thom was a neat guy. He was a wild child, just like Elliott. When he married Jenny, he settled down some. He was never keen on kids, but he adored his. He had a tremendous amount of patience with Donna and John. As John once said "My dad is a great man!"
We told lots of "Thom stories" last week. Russ and Dave talked about how Thom could sleep on the runner of the trailer when they were racing. Everyone else slept in the bed of the truck! I remembered when Thom decided to ride down the rain swollen creek behind our house. Ma met him at the back door and made him strip off the orange mud stained clothes and hosed him off! We talked about his little peddle car. He didn't use the pedals at first, he pushed along with his feet! The ends of his toes were raw all summer! Thom will be missed by everyone who knew him. But we will always have a funny Thom story to tell. And we will be sure to tell them to Donna and John as they grow up.
The adventure continues!

Merry Christmas

I don't like the way that Christmas has evolved into the politically correct "holiday season". I was talking to a cashier at Target last week. She said that that particular store did not play Christmas music because one employee objected. She said that this employee did not object to taking the day off, though! How hypocritical!
Today is the day we celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus. By historical accounts, Mary was a teenager when she became pregnant. She was engaged to marry Joseph, a much older man (Maybe in his mid twenties). Because she was pregnant before the marriage, Joseph had every right to accuse Mary of adultery. He could have demanded that she be stoned to death. How frightening it must have been for Mary to tell him about this baby she was to deliver. But Joseph followed God's perfect plan and supported Mary throughout the pregnancy. They were married and had other children. In the scriptures, mention is made of Joseph's brothers.
How difficult it must have been to be so close to the delivery of her child yet travel such a distance to Bethlehem. In the last days of my pregnancies, it was hard enough for me to drive to the grocery store! How frustrating it must have been for Joseph to be unable to find a place for his very pregnant wife to rest. God provided a place for them. I like to think of the innkeeper as a kind man, one who saw a desperate need and did what he could to help.
I've heard that women don't remember everything about their labor/delivery experiences. I beg to differ! I remember every minute detail of each of mine, two decades after the fact! I remember that, with Chris, I was furious with Eve. It was her fault that I was so miserable! If she had just done what God told her to do, I wouldn't be in so much pain! There is nothing in the scriptures about Mary's labor. I believe that, in His mercy, God allowed her a brief labor and an easy delivery. Here was this girl, laboring in a barn, with her husband and maybe a midwife to help and comfort her. "And she brought forth her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger". Her baby boy was wrapped in rags and placed on clean straw in the animals' feeding tray. I can imagine her joy at hearing her baby's first cry and her wonder at the miracle of ten little fingers and toes. On this night of nights, Mary did what all new mothers do, she praised God for the blessing of this healthy baby boy, God's gift to humanity. Two thousand years later, we still spend this day praising God for the first Christmas gift, a tiny baby sent to save us from our sins.
Merry Christmas to one and all and God's blessings for a very happy 2009.

Thom's gift

Thom died just before 6 this morning. Although his heart was not able to be used, his other organs and tissue were acceptable. Lives will be saved because of his last, unselfish act. Not just physical lives, but maybe a spiritual life, too. There may be someone who is undecided about his faith. Thom's gift may give that person the time he needs to decide. He will be a blessing to others for years to come.

I'm driving to Winston-Salem today. Tests done yesterday evening showed that Thom has no brain function. They call it "brain dead". Jenny has wisely decided to take him off of life support. God will answer our prayers in one of two ways: Thom will experience a miraculous healing or, in His mercy, God will take Thom to his real home.
Selfishness tells us that Thom should stay here. We are selfish for ourselves. Thom is a good guy. He's fun to be around. He makes us laugh. We are selfish for Jenny. She is losing her husband. The man who vowed to share her life. Her companion. The father of her children. We are selfish for Ma and Pop. They lost a son years ago, when they were young. Why are they losing their youngest child, another son, in their old age? Most especially, we are selfish for Donna and John. They will face the most difficult years of their lives without a father's love and guidance.
I've been asking God a lot of questions lately. "Why" is at the beginning of most of them. I wait for an answer. Maybe if I would stop questioning, talking, and questioning some more I could hear His answer. "Be still" He says. "Know that I am God" He says.
I have cried buckets of tears. I will cry more in the coming days. "Be still" He says. "Know that I am God" He says.
I will be still.
I will wait.
And I will humbly submit to His will.
God will be glorified.

A Thom update

This had been one of the most devastating days of my life. I talked to Jenny this morning and she told me that Thom was taken to surgery early this morning to have a stent placed in his left carotid artery. His stroke has extended and he has now had bleeding in his brain. He is unresponsive, on a vent, and given a 25% chance of survival. How could this have happened? Thom was at Ma and Pop's house Saturday putting up their Christmas tree with Jenny and their kids. Less than 12 hours later, he was in the ICU in critical condition.
Jenny and Thom have been blessed with a strong support system. They have family, friends, their church, and business associates praying for them, helping with Donna and John, visiting, and calling. This support will be there long after the crisis has passed.
I'm at a loss. I know that the best thing I can do is "pray without ceasing" as we have been instructed to do. I know that God will answer our prayers. Sometimes, it's just too difficult to comprehend the answer to "Thy will be done". What if His will is that Thom should die? We will all have to accept that, but life will not be the same. How could a loving God take a father away from his wife and children, especially children who still need him so much? Maybe that God is acting in love by not making Thom exist in a body and mind that no longer function.Maybe He is protecting Jenny, Donna, and John from years of watching Thom exist rather than live.
Obviously, I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst. But is death really the worst thing that can happen? It will be painful for those of us left to grieve our loss, but it will be fabulous for Thom. He will be reunited with family and friends who have gone before him. He will meet his little great niece, Buddha. He will meet Jesus and all of the prophets. He will get to ask all of the questions that we all want to ask. He will be free. Who could ask for more?

**Sigh**

Yesterday, Thom had a stroke. Thom is the youngest of the five of us. He's 2 years younger than I am. He's not supposed to be this sick first! From what I've been told, his only deficit is his speech. I can't imagine a worse thing to happen to a Myers! We live to talk! He will be in intensive care for a few days, then do the rehab thing like Pop did.
Today is the day that Catie was to go for her "big" ultrasound. I can't even begin to fathom the emptiness she feels. The closest I can get is the overwhelming sadness I felt when Elliott's learning disabilities were identified.
When Elliott was 6 years old, we knew he was having difficulty at school. We had a whole range of "assessments" done: psychological, motor skills, IQ, educational. The psychologist who explained the tests results to us started out by saying "I'm sorry, but there is nothing we can do to cure your child". Did I hear that his IQ was in the superior range? Did I hear the "we can remediate his deficits" part? Did I hear the part about what a bright kid he is? NO! I heard "there is nothing we can do...". This happened on the day that Susan Smith admitted that she drowned her kids in the lake near her home.
Smith had two beautiful toddler boys. Her boyfriend didn't want kids (or, we later learned, her). Instead of giving custody to her ex-husband, she strapped the boys into their car seats and drove the car into a lake. Then, she made up a story about a black man carjacking her and taking the boys. Police and volunteers searched for 10 days before she admitted what she had done. We got home from the psychologist's office as the local news stations showed live coverage of the car being pulled from the lake. I was appalled! How could she do this to her babies? She had two perfect children and she got rid of them like you would last week's trash! My baby could not be "cured". My baby was, in my mind, "damaged". How could God do this to my little boy?
Obviously, my thought process was neither rational nor logical. There are children with way worse problems than ADHD, Sensory Inetegrative Disorder, Dyslexia, and Dysgraphia. At the time, my selfish mind was only focused on my child, and what that horrible woman had done to her children. I felt a despair that was frightening. It was the first time I thought about suicide. I felt like God was so far away from me that I would never, ever be able to reach Him. Worse yet was the feeling that if I reached out my hand, He would not be able to reach me. It's like falling into a black hole with marble lined walls. There is nothing to grab, no way to stop the fall.
I fear for Catie. I don't want her to go to the place where I was at that time. I don't want her to feel that depth of despair. God is real, and He is where we are. We may not feel His loving arms wrapped around us as we fall. He may allow us to fall for a time, but He will protect us from a rough landing. God blessed me with a husband who saw what was happening to me and insisted that I get help. He supported me through all of it. He was the hand that God sent to stop my fall. Catie has been similarly blessed with Ben.
Smith got a lifetime in prison for murdering her boys, Elliott has grown into an amazing young man, Catie's time of blessing will come. God is good. And He is faithful.

The filling in the sandwich...part 2

This is the other side of the coin. When my kids were little, Ma and Pop provided an infinite amount of wisdom. When a crisis popped up, Ma's favorite phrase was "This, too, shall pass". There were times when I thought that if I heard that phrase one more time, I might scream! But she was right. Every crisis passed, and we all survived. Colic, potty training, loose teeth, school, teenaged angst....it all passed. Before I knew it, they grew up.
Now that they are grown, the problems are different and more complicated. Chris' fiancee broke up with him. Her excuse was that she "needed more time". More time for what?? They were together for 7 years. Turns out she was cheating on him. How can someone who "loves" you cheat on you? How do you explain to your brokenhearted child that it was not him, it was her? How do you tell him you're not really surprised by her behavior?
Catie and Ben lost their baby. How do you explain to your brokenhearted child that things will be OK, there will be a baby at the right time? How do you fix what can't be fixed?
Elliott seems to be on cruise control. He's still the one I worry about most, though. I know that he'll land on his feet, but sometimes he seems like he's got no direction. How do I convince him that he needs a focus without sounding like I'm lecturing?
I wouldn't trade my kids for anything. They've brought more joy to my life than they'll ever know. They've grown into wonderful adults. They handle their crises with a maturity that is beyond their years. They all have great senses of humor, too. Am I proud of them? you bet!

The filling in the sandwich...part 1

Great news! Ma went back to the orthopaedist and her arm is healing with no problems. She should be out of the cast by Christmas!
The broken arm episode has made me think more about being the filling part of the "sandwich generation". If you're not a bit of a ham who is able to take baloney, you'll look like a turkey! Until 6 years ago, I lived close enough to my parents that I communicated with them on a daily basis. It was a 20 minute drive to their house. On the one hand, I was watching them adjust to retirement and the difficulties that advancing years bring. On the other hand, I was dealing with the "teenaged angst" of my own three kids. Ma and Pop dispensed the wisdom that comes from experience while my kids provided enough comic relief to make life bearable! That doesn't mean I didn't lose my mind at one point (I'll save that for another time).
When I lived close to Ma and Pop, I was a part of their daily stuff. I got the "I pissed your mother off again" call from Pop every day! It was then my job to get the other side of the story from Ma. Turns out she wasn't mad at all. She was just needling him! Over 60+ years, they have developed a strange way of communication. When a stubborn man marries a woman with an Irish temperament, it's bound to be exciting. They can discuss anything, then each goes off and does what s/he planned to do in the first place! If either had a health issue, I could talk them through it or take them to the doctor.
Occasionally, I would deliver a "how to manage your health" lecture. Ma was placed on Coumadin several years ago. I didn't know about it until I noticed her Medic Alert bracelet. When I asked her how often she had her blood level checked (something that has to be done so the patient doesn't bleed to death!) she said that no one had told her anything about getting any level checked. I was on the phone in less than a nanosecond and she had blood drawn within the hour!
Since we've moved, I feel disconnected in a way. When Pop had his stroke, he called me at 630 that Sunday morning. I could tell that his speech was slurred and he told me he was having difficulty moving his left side. This had been going on for about 2 hours! I asked him why he was calling me and not 911! He said that he thought I could tell him what was wrong with him. Well DUH!! He was having a stroke! I instructed him to call 911 and get to the hospital NOW! He said the would have "one of the guys" (Bud or Russ) take him later. I had him put Ma on the phone. I told her "911--NOW". She was easier to convince that an ambulance would be the best way to get to the ER! Then, I waited, very anxiously, for an update. Sitting in a waiting room can be hard, waiting by a phone is harder! My imagination conjured up some awful scenarios! When I finally got word from Ma that afternoon, Pop was stable and resting comfortably. Driving down for a visit was difficult, too. Especially when he was in the nursing home for rehab. Every time I would get on the interstate to drive home, I was crying. I would think about Pop's physical losses, his loss of independence and privacy, Ma's frailty, and my own loss. My parents are aging. Would my next trip "home" be for a happy occasion, an illness, or a funeral? Fortunately for me, my parents both have wonderful senses of humor and practicality. Ma's frequent falls have led to a head CT which, according to her, gives documented evidence that she has a brain. Pop's stroke hasn't kept him from his ceramics, something he loves to do. His mind is still sharp as a tack!
And me, the sandwich filling, will call regularly, visit when I can, and wait for the next disaster.

That's the breaks!

Yesterday, Ma called to tell me that she broke her arm.......last Tuesday! She was fixing a package to send to her sister, Ann, in Texas. The tape she wanted was in the car (?!?) so she went out to get it. She didn't realize that the wheelchair ramp leading to the driveway was icy. When her feet hit the ice, they flew out from under her. Her left hand whacked the rail and she landed on her left arm and shoulders, then kind of crumpled. She said her head sounded like an egg cracking when it hit. A woman just happened to be out for her morning jog and saw Ma fall (God provides angels for us when we least expect them!). She was not able to get Ma back on her feet by herself but Ma's dog, Ginger, was making such a racket at the front door that my oldest brother, Bud, came to see what was up. He and the jogger were able to get Ma back on her feet. Off to the ER they went! At Presbyterian Matthews, a head CT showed no brain bleed or head trauma and x-rays of back and hips revealed no fractures. Her only injury was a fractured left humerus. The ER doc put her arm in a sling and instructed her to call her orthopaedist for an appointment to set the break. Her arm was casted yesterday!! She said that the orthopaedist was furious that(1) she was sent home from the ER without a cast and (2) she had to wait till yesterday for an appointment. But, according to her, all is well. I am thankful to God that she did not break a hip.
Now, for my soapbox: What is going on in EDs these days??? It's not just the one that Ma went to, I've heard stories from other hospitals (and have had experiences where I work) about how patients are simply not being treated. There is no way that an 84 year old woman with severe osteoporosis who takes a daily dose of Coumadin should be sent home from any ED with a fracture that is not immobilized! My daughter was in an ED in Charleston, WV two months ago. The ER doc said she was having a panic attack. Sorry, but passing fist sized blood clots and having hard, shaking chills the day after a D&C is not a panic attack! His recommendation was that she breathe into a paper bag! Hmmm......! I realize that people abuse the ER. Some use it as their doctor's office, some show up looking for drugs, but people who come in with legitimate complaints should be taken seriously and treated appropriately!
The first step in receiving appropriate treatment is to speak up! You are your own best advocate! I'm not suggesting that anyone get ugly with ER staff, I'm suggesting that all of us insist on getting the care that we're paying for. If a steak isn't cooked properly, most of us would not hesitate to send it back. If the car goes in for service and it's not fixed right, we take it back. Why not insist on the same quality when it comes to our health?