Forgiveness

All is well. All upsets and unkind words have been put behind us. Forgiveness is an interesting thing. How many times do we "forgive" someone, yet still nurse that grudge. You know, "She said 'Blah, blah, blah' in 1995, but I forgave her". Well, if you forgave her, why bring it up....again and again and again! That's not forgiveness! Forgiveness is letting go of past hurts, past anger, past wrongs. It means you don't bring it up again......ever! It also means that you expect a change on the part of the person you have forgiven. If someone was gossiping about you, and word got back to you, and those words hurt you, then talk to the gossiper. Tell them that what they said hurt you. It's easier said than done, but it's the best way to go. Then let them know that they are forgiven, but that you expect that they will not gossip about you any more. It's like when Jesus said "Go, sin no more". He forgave the sin, but He made it clear that he didn't want the sin to be repeated! We have been forgiven by the grace of God and by the sacrifice of Jesus. He died on the cross for our sins, not for anything He did. Before He "Gave up the ghost", Jesus asked God to forgive those who crucified Him (that would be all of us). He died a gruesome, painful death and asked for our forgiveness. When you put things into perspective, how much easier is it for us to forgive someone's unkind words or actions? If we expect God to forgive us, we need to be willing to forgive others.

What I think

Apparently, "brutal honesty" is only appreciated if it leaves everyone in a good light. Catie no longer wants any contact with me. This came about in about an 8 hour span of time. She said it is because I "took Elliott's side" (I have the email). I didn't know that there was a side to take. I do not like the way his girlfriend has behaved in the past, I don't know if that behavior will change in the future. I don't think they are mature enough for a long term relationship. That's all moot at this point. By being supportive of my child during a time of crisis does not mean that I condone his behavior. It simply means what it has always meant, he is my child and I will be there for him. As I would be for any of my children. Mothers do that. Even when a child repeatedly rips out out our heart and stomps all over it.
Dave is angry over what I have posted. Was he supportive during my colonoscopy. I didn't feel it. I feel neglected, passed over. Sorry, but that's where I am. I feel kind of like a chair, always around and comfortable. When he talks to me, I feel like I'm being lectured to. If I say anything about that, I get told "this is the way I talk". It hasn't always been that way. We used to enjoy each others' company. Now I feel like I'm being tolerated.
It's easy enough for others to pass one off as "crazy" because one has been treated for depression. But the fact is, most of us who have seen a therapist are in a better place than our "sane" counterparts. I am OK. I am intelligent. I can stand on my own two feet. If you want nothing more to do with me, so be it. Be careful what you ask for, you might just get it.

Help me, Lord

Elliott's court date came and went. Nothing happened because his case was continued. He was not notified. The officer had to go to "training". His DUI classes were arranged and he was going to stay with Catie and Ben until he got his license reinstated. Until this evening.
He told me this afternoon that his girlfriend, Sam, is pregnant. He just found out Sunday. My first question to him was "Who's the father?". when he said that he was, I asked "are you sure?". He told Catie about it tonight. She immediately flipped. She threw him out of her house and, in short, disowned him. She called our house crying. I tried to explain to her that it is natural for her to feel angry, disappointed, and even jealous. I got no further. She insisted on talking to her dad. Over the past couple of hours, she has talked to me in a way that I would NEVER, ever talk to my mother and she has called me everything but a child of God! She sent me a nasty email which told me to never bother trying to contact her ever again. She doesn't want to see me or hear from me. EVER! Why? Because I am not as outraged with Elliott and Sam as she thinks I ought to be. What am I supposed to do? I will not disown one of my own children, no matter what kind of stupid stuff any of them do. If Elliott and Sam reach the point that they have no place to go and nothing to eat, they are welcome at my house, same as Catie and Ben. Elliott was going to walk from St. Albans to Huntington, about 35 miles, tonight because he had nowhere to go and she wouldn't let him stay there. Chris and Dave left here at 11 pm to go get him. It's a 2 1/2 hour drive. Guess it's better for her if we're all upset tonight. Elliott called me and said that she posted something ugly about him and Sam on her My Space page, but since I have been deleted as one of her friends, I don't have access to it. I put a response on her blog for today about how hypocritical she is and it was promptly deleted. In scripture, we are warned not to be like the Pharisees, who bragged about how good and how godly they are, yet delivered Jesus to be crucified. Instead of supporting her brother in a difficult time, she has thrown him out on the street. Instead of trying to understand that I love each of my children, no matter what, she sees that I am "taking his side" and has disowned me. There are no sides here. Nobody wins. Satan has sown the seeds of bitterness in her heart.They have taken root and are growing a bumper crop of ugly weeds.
It is 1215am. Elliott just called and said that Catie left him a text message. She said that if he didn't tell her where he is, she would call the police and have him picked up. He said that he isn't going to answer her because she told him she never wanted to hear from him again.He is only trying to comply with her wishes. So be it. Jesus told us that we should worry over nothing, God will take care of us. Jesus didn't have any kids! This is going to be a long night.
One final thought: I love all of my kids. I would give up my own life to protect theirs. I will never disown any of them. They are always welcome at my table. They will disappoint me, they will hurt me, they will make me proud, they will make me laugh. Each of them are, and always will be, special to me.

Higher education

Catiebug is preparing to graduate from college. It's been the best 7 years of her life! As things usually go, with classwork, term papers, and final exams comes what I call the "final semester self esteem wipeout". The wipeout comes from some instructors who want select students to know that they will never be as good as said instructor. These poor students have every shread of confidence they may have ripped out, thrown on the ground and stomped!
It happened to me, too. Two weeks before graduation, my critical care instructor did "exit interviews" with each of her students. During my appointment, she accused me of not turning in my term paper. She said that I was totally incompetent and she had no idea how I ever got into nursing school, but she was going to make "damn sure" that I never got out! I was devastated! How could she say those horrible things about me? I was on the Chancellor's list for academic excellence the semester
before!
Ma worked across campus. She was the Dean's secretary in the College of Humanities. She had also typed my term paper. All the way back to her office, I cried and I prayed. I asked God for a miracle, rationalizing that I really should graduate because He had gotten me this close. Dadquat and I (not yet parentquats!) had just bought a house. I had a job lined up. Surely I hadn't misunderstood God's instructions to me! Ma looked up when I walked into her office. I don't know if she understood what I was saying, but she knew what was up. Very calmly, she told me to go home and do my laundry. WHAT?!? Go, do laundry. She would call me. Wait. "Oh, and, by the way, there's a caraffe of bourbon in the cabinet above the fridge, fix yourself a drink. You look like you could use one!"
I went to our apartment, gathered up the laundry, and went to her house. I fixed the drink. Fortunately she had some ginger ale, too. She called after about 45 minutes. She told me that I was about to get a phone call, call her back after I talked to the caller. I had no sooner hung up than the phone rang again. It was my instructor. She had made a terrible error. I did pass her class. I thanked her, hung up, and called Ma.
Here's the rest of that story: Ma called the instructor. She was put on hold for 20 minutes. When the instructor picked up the phone, Ma explained who she was and where she worked. She also said that she had typed my paper and still had the carbons (No PCs back in the day, just typewriters and carbon paper!). Ma knew that the instructor had been failing two students every semester for several years. This gave her that "bell shaped curve" that all teachers strive for. Ma knew the Dean of the nursing college very well......get where I'm going? My paper was found in a file (13?). She called Ma and told her of the "mistake" and that I did pass her class. Ma told her that she would have to tell me herself.
I graduated on time. Because of that instructor's grade, I missed being inducted into Sigma Theta Tau by 0.3 points! I vowed that, if I ever saw her on the floor in a full blown cardiac arrest, I would step on her and keep on going. That was, until I worked with another nurse who nearly failed at the hands of this same woman. She reminded me that to step on her might be a life saving chest compression! She recommended stepping over her! I changed my mind then. I decided that the better way to go would be to resuscitate her and be her primary nurse so that she could see what her "mistake" might have cost her.
State boards were different then. They were given in January or July. All candidates took boards in the state capital. All tests were given on "op-scan" sheets with the answers marked in No.2 pencil. There were 6 tests:Medical, Surgical, OB, Peds, Psych, and an "experimental" exam where the next year's questions were developed. The testing took 3 days. It might be three months before a candidate received the scores. The wait was excruciating! Scores were typed on a narrow sheet of paper with either "PASSED" or "FAILED" at the bottom of the page. There was a possibility of scoring 500 points on any exam. I scored 500 on the Psych exam! My lowest score was a 350 on the Peds test. Not too shabby for someone who "never should have gotten into nursing school"!
For those who are suffering through the "final semester self esteem wipeout" now, keep your head up. Pray without ceasing. God will walk with you through this swamp. He will lift you up and you will stand on the mountain top. It may not be the mountain that you had your eyes on, but you will be on top. I've been a nurse for 29 years. God has never failed me yet!

The next chapter

Dadquat and ET went to Huntington last Wednesday to get ET's bank account straightened out. Of course, while they were there, ET had to see Princess. He wasn't with her five minutes before Dadquat got a phone call. ET needed to be picked up. Dadquat waited at the local gas station and, here came Princess, screeching to a halt. She got out of the car, screaming that ET was a loser, she hated him, he needed to just get out! ET climbed out of the back seat and got into the car with Dadquat. ET said that he was done. He wanted to get a truck and move his stuff out of their apartment (here we go again!). Before they could even get an estimate on the truck rental, Princess caled ET. She was soooooo sorry, would he forgive her? Of course he would! Here's the ironic part: ET has to ride in the back seat of her car because the passenger door doesn't work. Neither does the transmission. Neither does the engine (part of the time). At least ET has a working car, even if he can't drive it right now! D'ya think that's why she keeps him around? Hmmmm........
ET and I had a talk about abusive relationships. Abuse is not just punching someone in the face or slapping someone around. It's also not always a man abusing a woman. Most women who are abusers are the verbal/psychological type. They use words to inflict damage. I have seen it happen before. No matter how hard the man tries, he isn't good enough, he doesn't make enough money, he doesn't provide the right house in the right neighborhood, he's a lousy father, husband, lover. I asked ET to think long and hard about his relationship with Princess and ask himself a few questions: "Am I happier when I'm with her, or when I'm away from her?" "Am I frequently walking on eggshells around her?" "Am I better off with her or without her?" If his answers indicate that he is a more happy, relaxed individual when she's not around, then maybe he's with the wrong girl. I honestly think that they are both too immature to be in this type of relationship. I told him that they both need to step back, take some time to decide what they each want to be when they grow up, establish themselves individually, then decide if they are right for each other. I know that my advice will fall on deaf ears because I'm his mother. I hope he will listen to others that we know who have been in this kind of situation and learn from their misfortunes. Better that he not make the same mistake once!